I've struggled with weight all my life. As an adult, I now know that much of my weight issues stemmed from my undiagnosed gluten allergy.
I was a pretty active kid. My mom was not the kind of person to let us sit in the house watching tv or playing games. We were outside ALL. THE. TIME. Rain or shine, unless we were doing homework, eating dinner, or going to bed, we were out in the yard or playing with our neighbor friends in the tree farm behind us, climbing trees and running all over. We rode our bikes from one end of town and back. For 5 years we lived at the top of a pretty big steep hill, one we walked up and down each day to get to and from the bus. I rode horses and also did some barn work to make a little extra money (always the entrepreneur). On the weekend we were at my dad's house, and again we spent much of our time biking around town from my house to my cousin's, or over to my friend's house who lived way on the outskirts of town. We also played soccer and T-ball, and also were part of the swim team. So, I wasn't exactly sitting around doing a lot of nothing!
I realize now that there have always been signs of my allergy, but being that it wasn't a "thing" back in the 80's like it is now no one was going to diagnose me. I was called "picky" in regards to my eating. I disliked things other people enjoyed like fried chicken, and many cereals. Funny enough my favourite cereals were teh corn and rice based ones: Crunchy Corn Bran, Rice Chex, Crispix, and Kix. I know now that when a kid says they don't like something it's important to see if there is a common thread/food - there is a high possibility that it is a food allergy!
In any case, when I was 6 or 7 I was a pretty normal kid with a little bit of a belly:
We moved to a new town when I started 3rd grade so I was put into a new school with new people, and also a new neighborhood with new kids. The only ones my age were boys, and in the way that boys can be they were mean to me pretty much from the get go, calling me fat and making fun of me in the ways that young boys do.
I stayed with the same classmates all the way through my senior year. I only found a few pictures from that time frame, but as you can see I got a bit taller but also put on weight:
I left high school bitter and unhappy with little to know self-confidence, covered up by false bravado and an "outgoing" or "gregarious" personality. Inside I hated myself, I hated that I was FAT, I always felt ugly. I sought acceptance in new groups of friends, bounced around a bit, and eventually ended up in Georgia where I began my life working with horses.
By this time I was a mostly vegetarian, eating mostly salads and tofu, faux meat products (they're healthy, right?), and occasionally having grilled chicken or turkey. I suffered from chronic heartburn and GERD, but I didn't know at the time that it could be an allergy. I knew which foods made me worse but I ate them anyway. I mean, other people in my family had the same problems as me and they just took Tums for it so I figured that was my solution.
With horses I was working really long days, with barely any breaks for food. While I did lose weight - when I first began I got down to 125-130 but not for long - I was still around 148lbs. I DID feel much better about myself physically because I wasn't 160 lbs anymore, and I was really strong thanks to throwing hay bales around, cleaning stalls, riding, walking/running long distances to get to and from the show ring in a hurry, etc. No matter what I was doing I was still heavy around the middle. I wouldn't get into a bathing suit in front of people. I hated EATING in front of people.
I felt bloated all the time no matter what. I blamed it on "baby fat" but how long can you hang on to that?
Losing weight DID give me confidence, at least more than I had ever had before, but my weight was never stable. It fluctuated a ton. I was trying to eat healthy by being an even MORE hardcore vegetarian. When that didn't help, I went back to eating some meats but still stuck to a more vegetable and tofu centric diet.
I didn't like having my picture taken, especially my body. I learned how to dress myself so people couldn't see the spare tire around my middle. Through this time I was working with horses, running or walking every day, and even going to the gym - without any real results or changes.
My health got really bad about 4 years ago, the year before I got married. I was sick all the time, suffering from rolling waves of nausea, near constant GERD to the point where even something as simple as ice water would come back up. (GERD is gastro-esophageal reflux disease, where you burp up food and bile). During this time my work suffered, and as much as I was trying to be there for my jobs I know that I wasn't at my peak. I felt like crap all the time, my moods were horrible. I went to my PCP who prescribed omeprazole (Prilosec) 3x a day. I was like, "Uh, I take that shiz and it doesn't help me. Fool." So I went to a naturopath and she started me on a gluten-free diet.
Gluten free did help to a point in that the chronic nausea went away, but I was still dealing with other things. Heartburn and GERD still happened. I was even MORE fatigued. I went to a different naturopath and we discussed trying out the Blood Type Diet. Following the plan, I was to eat pretty much as a vegetarian. I was subsisting on beans for protein, soy milk, gluten free foods, etc. The only meat I would consume was, again, chicken or turkey. I was severely anemic and began taking both a prenatal vitamin and an additional iron supplement.
I looked "fine" in the way that people do when they learn to cover up their flaws. I chalked a lot of my issues up to just being overly tired from working 40 hours in an office plus 25-30 hours at the barn per week.
I was working a ton, stressed about the wedding, running in the mornings to get "ready" for the big day, etc.
I feel I should insert here that work involved both a desk job and the barn. At the barn I would clean stalls, ride, teach, move jumps, etc. Very physical work.
Fast forward to two years ago when we moved to Alabama. I was tired of being tired and feeling crappy! A friend of mine posted about Paleo on her Facebook and I was intrigued. I had noticed that gluten free foods gave me the same symptoms as gluten laden foods. I was at my wits end feeling crummy and food was becoming my enemy.
Alabama became a great place for a "fresh start." First, a pic from when I first arrived:
A few months later, after switching to Paleo, and working the farm every day (teaching, riding, moving jumps, etc):
I felt really, REALLY amazing for the first time in a long time. Fat literally *melted* off my body. I had boundless energy. I had NO HEARTBURN. Living grain free, dairy free, and eating real, whole foods made a huge difference in how I was feeling! And finally I got the physical results I was looking for.
Once we moved here and away from my long days at the barn I once again put on weight and lost track of my diet and exercise. I was living in limbo! Then a friend introduced me to the workout programs, and though I haven't been as consistent with them as I would like to be, it has given me an outlet for my energy. I have been focusing on being consistent, as I was back in Alabama, and thanks to the commitment I am finally back on track where I'd like to be. And thanks to that, I am finally embracing myself where I am at RIGHT NOW, and celebrating the sprouts in my life, such as the progress below. Forward progress, however slow, is still progress.
Hey look! Finally a picture of ME with NO COVER UP. Taking these pictures, and then deciding to post them was FRIGHTENING to me. It's frightening to me to write this entire blog post. I'm not even sure how coherent it is. I'm not sure if I have even been able to put into words how much this lifelong struggle has burdened me. I know now that a lot of what I went through was mental, hangups leftover from the cruel words of ignorant children. But part of letting go and moving on is getting it out of your head and onto paper, so here it is.
If you made it through all of that, I'll bake you some Paleo cookies and send you one =)
Thank you for your love, your support, and for just being here. You mean the world to me, and I hope that my words have given you something, anything, if only just a little smidgen of contentment knowing that we are all the same.
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